Random Pets
by Lexion Kidd
Summary: Wendy has Carla, so why can't Mest have a pet? Huh? Again, somewhat OOC characters. No real pairings. Humor is the genre, but humor is in the eye of the beholder.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fairy Tail!

"No." Staring disdainfully at the drooling little blob of energy which was currently tearing apart the living room curtains, Wendy pointed a very infuriated glare at the back of Mests head. She'd had an extravagantly long day at work, and the last thing she needed was to come home to a bouncing little mutt she didn't even know was going to be there ripping apart HER sanctuary. Stalking over to the table he was parked at, she ripped one of Mest's headphones out before pointing at the puppy now rolling around on the floor and frowned before repeating the one word that's been said in this entire story. "No."

Rolling his neck around and rubbing the ear the headphone had been in seconds before, he blinked a few times at Wendy through his reading glasses and saying the most intelligent thing he'd ever said up to date. "Eh?"

Wendy just about ripped his head off.

The next time, Mest met her at the door with arms folded and jaw set in a firm line. Before she could even ask what this was all about, he'd already launched into the reason he was standing out here on the doorstep.

"Okay, so I know you didn't the dog very well, and we talked about another cat, but all the cats at the pet store would hiss and run away, which I think is just more proof that all cats are the beings from the Underworld, because who wouldn't love this face? I mean, maybe one or two people maybe, but a whole race? Doesn't seem plausible. Anyways, so I didn't get a cat but I didn't want a bird because I hate birds, all they do is poop everywhere, and I didn't want a fish because they just sit there and blow bubbles at you, and I didn't want a hamster because I had one when I was nine that died and I promised him I'd never get another hamster-"

"Okay, basically all I've gotten from this babbling you've done is that there is a pet in there that I won't like and you're trying to get me to let it stay, so let's just get on with it. What did you get?"

"Oh, so out an interrupted explanation you get everything I'm trying to say?" Mest actually looked hurt. ' _Like he usually does when he wants something'_ Wendy thought to herself. "Well that seems rather presumptuous. You totally missed the point!" Mest was apparently unconcerned with the amount of effort Wendy was putting in to not just rip open the door, grab all of his stuff, and just kick him out of the apartment; wouldn't be the first time she had. He only had like, barely enough clothes to last a week, his laptop and a couch that he slept, ate and did just about everything on. But back to the main point.

"Okay Mest, fine. What's your point?"

Mest perked up at being given a chance to finish his theatrics. "Okay, so like I said, I don't want another hamster, not after Nickelback died, so I decided I'd go with the total opposite of a member of the rodentia family." Smiling smugly at his achievement, Mest uncrossed his arms and stuck his hands in his pocket. And sat there. Just waiting and staring at Wendy with the same smug little everything eating grin on his face, just waiting for Wendy to react. Problem is, Wendy had no clue what she was supposed to react too. She had promptly come to the decision to just end all of this with a swift punch to the balls (perks of being short) when he triumphantly said something that made her blood run cold.

"I got a snake!"

VERY cold. So cold in fact that she felt like she was about erupt into flames.

"DORANBOLT JONATHAN MEST GRYDER! You did NOT buy a pet snake to put into the apartment that WE SHARE!"

Grinning maniacally, Mest just said "Yep!"

"Don't 'Yep' me! You bought a SNAKE! You know I hate reptiles!' Wendy was very much so nearing a breakdown, something Mest hated with a burning passion, usually since the only way she would get over it was by forcing him to go buy out the angel food cake from the pastry shop down the street and watching every Nicholas Sparks movie that was ever made. So he did exactly the opposite of what he should've done.

What Mest should've done: Apologize and go take the snake back to the pet store.

What Mest did: "Yeah, and it's a really big one too!"

He knoweth not what hell he hath unleashed.

The third time he brought a pet home, she decided that she needed to stop leaving him home alone. Maybe there was a 'Take your loser roommate who has no job to work day/year?'

You know, just until he gets over this animal obsession.

"Please Wendy? It's so adorable! Just look at the way she runs around!"

Wendy facepalmed. "Okay, Mest, horses don't run around, they prance. Second, you can't keep a horse here! The landlady would kill us!"

"No she won't! See, I've got it all planned out! WE'LL GIVE PONY RIDES TO ALL THE CHILDREN! There's no way she could say no to that!"

"Yes, there is! Now get rid of it!"

""No!" Mest started petting the horse on the horse. "I'll keep her forever, and feed her carrots and sugar, and give pony rides to all the little people on the block. It's the perfect relationship status: Lucrative!"

While Mest was fawning over the horse he'd somehow brought home and up three flights of stairs into their living room, Wendy sighed and went to call the cops. And so when the police came up to the apartment, she was waiting on the steps with a sobbing Mest clinging to her ankles, begging her to make the bad men in uniform leave his precious pony alone.

Oh how she wished there was bring your roommate to work day.

The fourth time he brought a pet home, Wendy didn't notice until about two weeks after the fact. Mest was usually a late sleeper, but when one o'clock rolled around and he still wasn't up, Wendy decided drastic measures needed to be taken. So, like any good roommate, she got a pan of ice cubes, snuck into his room, and dumped the whole thing right down his underwear. Or at least, that's what she tried to do. She was successful right up to the point where she slipped on the sloth lying in the middle of the room. Ice cubes flew, curses spewed forth, and the sloth just there and stared at her with the most kicked puppy look she'd ever seen an animal give. It almost made her not scream; but only almost. And Mest woke up totally clueless about what was going on. Then he saw the sloth.

"Petriford! What are you doing out of your cage?! You know what'll happen if Wendy sees you! We talked about this!"

"Yes, yes we did talk about this, didn't we Mest?" And suddenly a chill straight from the South Pole filled the room. Mest slowly turned, sloth still in hand, to face the Queen of Ice and Wind that he'd summoned. He only got about halfway around before a tug on his shirt brought his face right into a wicked little left hook, dropping him straight on his butt. Looking up at a fuming Wendy, all she did was point to the door and mouth "Out" before turning and strutting out of the room with more sass than Carla ever could've dreamed of producing.

The fifth time was the last straw for Wendy, especially when Mest was caught in the act of bringing it in his room.

"DORANBOLT JONATHAN MEST GRYDER! Are you seriously bringing a freaking PLATYPUS into our apartment!?"

"Yes ma'am, yes I am. And there's nothing you can do about it! Perry is staying in Petrifords old tank, and I actually have a license for him! So there!" Mest was nothing if not ballsy. Or really stupid, whichever you call it.

"Nothing I can do huh? You really wanna test me on that Gryder?!" Wendy sneered.

Mest shrunk back a bit from the bite in her tone. "But he's really cute! Just look at him! He's got a flat little tail, and a bill like a beaver, and he's this really cool light blue color; I think we should keep him!"

"Well of course you do, you brought him home! Do you know platypuses are actually poisonous? What if he like bites you in your sleep?"

"Pshhh, Perry would never do that, would you Perry? Of course not, you're the best pet ever, yes you are, yes you-OWWW! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

I think you can guess what happened in this cliché scene, but I'll explain in case you didn't. Mest moved Perry closer to his face as he was talking, and Perry, obviously, bit him, just like Mest said he wouldn't.

"I TOLD you he'd bite you! When are you going to start listening to me?!" Wendy was very near bursting into tears. Great, now Mest was going to die because he brought a stupid platypus home and it bit him, and she didn't know what to do because how often does someone actually get bitten by a platypus?! "What do I do Mest? I can't figure out what to do!"

"Call 911, woman, and the fire department, and poison control, and the animal catcher and, and, JUST CALL EVERYONE DAMMIT! This freaking HURTS!"

Suffice it to say that Mest did NOT bring Perry, or any, other platypi home.

Apparently though, it didn't ruin him from bringing exotic pets home. This time though, Wendy didn't even know that it was supposed to be a pet when she ran into it in the living room. She thought it just accidentally got into the house. I mean come on, who brings a freaking BADGER in as a pet?!

After that whole debacle though, in which Wendy grabbed a shot gun and nearly shot Mest when he threw himself in front of the gun, she decided to lay down ground rules: no more pets in the house that didn't behave themselves in a well behaved manner. Also, no reptiles.

However, one final surprise awaited her when she came home a week later to find a pair of long spotted legs through the stairs. Going around back she found, to her complete and utter disdain, Mest, feeding a giraffe through the window.

And Mest showed up at Natsu's house about thirty minutes later with his clothes, his laptop, and his couch, all strapped to his giraffe.

And that's the end folks! I know, probably not my best work, but still okay I feel. Also, I have nothing against any of these animals in the story, or cops, so anything bad I wrote about them was purely for humors sake. Heaven knows it needs it.


End file.
